Guest Post: "Heartbreaking"

Mark,

I started to write this email on the 22^nd: the last day that I ever talked to you. I have waited until now to send it, because I wanted to make sure that I got it just right, and I hope that you have cooled off enough to read it.

I want you to know that this is not some “4th quarter Hail Mary.” One thing that you failed to consider when you said that our friendship may never be again- perhaps I don’t want it. You are not the person that I met all those months ago. Stop and take a good hard look at your life. Are you happy with where it is and where it is going? If so then I am better off not coming along for the ride. You have some serious soul searching to do. You have always known how I felt about you, and for a long time you played along, always leaving the door open to possibility. I am not sure if you really did think it was a possibility or if you were just playing along for the fun of it. I will probably never know. I don’t know if you are gay or straight or bi or a prostitute for that matter. I know that you are one of those things, but I am not even sure that you know which one. When you decide, and I mean really decide what you are and what you want, then we can talk.
When I saw you last night with her, that was pretty much the nail in the coffin. You have never fought so hard to see me, nor been as excited. In fact for the past month I have not felt loved or wanted merely tolerated as a necessary evil.

Ever since you told me about the “lists” that you give to people I often wondered what would be on mine. Today I found out. I listened to your list, I hope you will take the time to read mine.

I am sad that it is over, yet glad that it is resolved. That is what was really upsetting me. Not knowing and me are just not good together. I feel like you always left the door open just a crack. Even in the car just last week you told me that the reason you shut the door (you know what door I am talking about) was because of stress and once you were through that stress it might open again.
I am not sure why you always left the door open a little, maybe you were just telling me what I wanted to hear, or maybe the door really was still open and you were scared or unsure. It would not really matter anyway, because I could no longer take the unknown. I said it once before, I always felt like I was not looking for anyone else, but you were.

I took a slightly different approach to my list than you did, I learned it from you. You told me that you are always telling others to look for positives in the situation. That is what I chose to do.

I believe that you can choose how and what to remember.

This is what I am taking from our time together.

First, I felt connected to you the first time that I saw you. I remember that you came in right before close and wanted to tan. I had just turned someone else away because we were closing, but I let you tan. I could not turn you away. I remember one time where you kept letting people tan before you so that we could visit longer. That made me feel special.

I felt wanted in a way that I never had before when you accepted my friend request on facebook. Probably the highlight of my year was when you out of the blue friended me on foursquare. You sought me out. We both used it religiously until you finally asked for my number. Never in my life has someone that I so desperately wanted to ask for my number actually asked for it. I don’t know if you noticed but after we exchanged numbers we both stopped using foursquare. Maybe it was just a coincidence, maybe you were just tired of using it, or maybe you were trying to connect with me further.
When we went to Owl Bar and we talked about the gay/straight issue and you just said, “I am straight, but willing to see where this goes” I don’t think that I have ever been that happy in my life. You kept asking me to ask you questions over and over again. I can only think that there must have been one particular question in your mind and you were trying to get me to ask it. I will never know what that question was.

All I know is that on the way back to your house you hung up on her multiple times and ignored her calls and texts. In that moment I felt like I was all that mattered to you. That same car ride you pointed out multiple times that you had kissed to guys. I remember your comment that you were giving me ammunition for later.

When we got to your house you lingered in the car. You got out twice and came back, you hugged me, and the second time you came back you shook my hand. I think that if I would have asked you to come back to Salt Lake with me you would have. I also think if I would have asked to kiss you, you would have let me. Maybe that was the question you were trying to get me to ask, I will never know.

I don’t know if I will ever have as perfect a night as that night was again. I cannot imagine a better first date, even if it were only a date in my eyes and not yours. I remember that is when you told me you were going to take me on the full moon chair lift. It sounded so perfect.
There were many other such nights. I remember when we just drove around and you showed me where you used to work and the amphitheater. I remember another night when you were taking me back to my car and at the last minute you made a detour and we went to that park with the swings and sat there swinging and talking for a while. I felt that neither of us wanted that night to end.
Those nights were all great but nothing will ever compare to the Owl Bar. Everything was fresh and new and good. We started to make plans for the future, we talked about you moving in. That night things were perfect and happy, life and not actually become part of our relationship yet.

We had so many great adventures in the beginning. I still remember the first time that we drove through the alpine loop. You told me about how the trees were one of the largest living organisms because they were all basically one tree. I still have those silly pictures that we took when it was way too dark to actually see anything. You mentioned the peace gardens and that was something great to share with you as was the sculpture garden. It was always so cool to me to introduce you to new things that you had never done before. Remember the restaurants? Faustina, Frida Bistro? The Chalk Art Festival? All of those experiences were so amazing.

I remember the night of the wedding you wanted so badly to go to habits with that girl and she certainly wanted you to go. She even came back to get you. You asked me to give you just one night and I told you that you were free to do as you pleased. I remember sitting in the car with her standing outside waiting for you. I knew that you were going to leave, but you stayed. You told me that going home with me went against everything that you had ever been taught about being happy. But, yet I made you happy, so we went home.

I remember one of the nights that she came over before she got there you gave me a kiss on the cheek for recognizing a line from the Princess Bride. You did not have to do that, but you did. In fact every single time I kissed you on the neck, you never once tried to stop me. You initiated just as many hugs as I did. And you always let me cuddle. When you stayed in my bed I slept so well. We did not do anything but just having you there meant so much to me.
I remember watching Step Brothers with you and her. She was lying on the floor and you laid down beside her. You told me to come over too and I did. I laid next to you and we were about as close as you can be. In that moment I felt loved and important. I think that honestly that night might have been the last time that you chose me over a girl.
I think that same night, before she got there, you told me that you could not be gay because you wanted a family. You quickly added, “Well I guess we could adopt”. I would like to think that at that moment you were actually considering a life with me, even for a moment. Up until that point every time the subject came up it was never because you did not want it. It was always some other reason: family, kids, the church, your friends, etc… It was not long after that when you started with the definite it is not going to happen, I am straight.
The only negative thing from our time together that I am going to choose to remember is the night that it all went to hell. It was the first night that I met Whitney and it was only a few days after you got your license back. You drove to my house drunk.

I could not believe how irresponsible it was of you. From that night on it became all about girls and partying. I tried to be part of that world with you, but it just did not work. It was not me, and honestly I do not think that it is the you that you want to be, but it is so easy to be that person.

I once commented that I wished I had known you in your wilder days. You told me that you were a different person and that I would not like that person. We probably would not even be friends.

That is what I was referring to when I made the comment about irresponsible unemployed Mark. When I met you, you had goals and dreams. We even built goals and dreams together. That was the Mark that I fell in love with, and I try to believe that Mark loved me at least a little too. You are not that Mark anymore. And you are right, that Mark and I will not be friends.

I feel like you are starting to slide back into that person, how many times have you said I am not drinking anymore, yet every night what did we do?

I remember the first time that “you’re my favorite” became “I love you”. I am not sure I will ever know what you meant when you told me you loved me, but I know that you know what I meant when I said it.

I almost forgot our last two adventures. The cascade springs and bridal veil falls day was amazing. I loved it when you told me stories of your childhood. It made me feel like things were going back to normal. Our Tuesday hike up to the waterfall was also amazing. Out there when it was just us things were perfect. There was no one for us to worry about, we could just be. I know that I will visit those places often. They will always be happy memories for me. Perhaps, one day I will find you there.

I know that in the end, I could not give you what you needed. I don’t know what changed. I think that it really scared you when Whitney made the comments about you being gay over text message. I think that for the first time it really occurred to you how other people saw us. It does not really matter if you are gay, straight, bisexual, or asexual. The answer to that question does not really matter. What I do know is that we were closer than you would probably be with any other guy. I think that scared you. I think that you felt that I was forcing you to make a decision that might change your life forever and you just did not want to make a decision like that. It created a lot of tension between us. Maybe I am wrong, but it is easier for me to think that than the alternative.

We have both changed. I am not sure that either of us changed for the better, but I know that we will both pull through this, albeit apart. I would have spent the past few months trying to make you happy, but I am not sure that I would have ever succeeded.
In the end none of that even really matters, what it all comes down to is that when I am hurt or sad I want connection. When you are hurt or sad you want seclusion. Most of the time that is fine, except if we both happen to be hurt and sad, then our needs are mutually exclusive and neither of us really gets what we want.

I think that it is kind of ironic. You wrote me off because you needed space and I could not give it to you. I gave you an ultimatum and you did not like it. I don’t know if you realize that you gave me the very same ultimatum when you said, “when someone tells you that they need space and the friendship is on the line, you have to respect that”. I do not really see how that is any different than what I told you about needing you, the main difference is that I would have never followed through and you did.
I don’t even know if you are reading this or not, maybe I wrote it more for my benefit than yours.
I just wanted you to see my take on the situation. And, I wanted you to know what I am taking from the past few months.

I would rather remember the good times than the bad and so I will. I hope that someday you can look back at the time that we spent together and pull out something positive.
I truly hope that this message has come across the way that I intended it. I do not regret my time with you. I am a better person for the time that I spent with you. I would like to regret some of my actions, but that does not really gain anything for either of us, so I see no reason to.

I hope the best for you. I truly hope that someday you will find someone who makes you happy. Someone who will drive and support you to achieve your dreams and goals. Most of all I hope that you can find someone that you can love as much as I love you. I say “love” not “loved” because I gave you part of my heart and you can never really give it back. I will always have a connection to you no matter what.

I don’t think that you will ever speak to me again, but I am sure that I will see you around. I don’t expect you to acknowledge me at all. That makes me sad, but I accept it.

We started our relationship with a game of questions so I think that it is fitting that we should end with one.

How do you really feel about me?

I don’t think that I will ever know how you truly felt about me. I know that you are mad, but I know that you don’t hate me. I am not even sure that you yourself know the answer to how you truly feel about me. I think that is sad. I can’t help but feel that things started falling apart when people you cared about started to wonder about us, and believe me they did. I think it scared the shit out of you.

Perhaps it is better not to know, I am not sure that I would like either answer. Either you did really love me, but are now gone… sad. Or you never really loved me or cared about me and I was just a stupid boy in love with someone that they could never have… sad