Barriers to taking action

I received this comment today about yesterday's blog:

"oh MAN. that blog post hit me right where it counts. the issue of homelessness has been such a huge topic of interest to me, and such a struggle. I want to love them just like I do everyone else, but I almost ALWAYS give in to fear. I fear the awkward exchange that might take place. I fear what others may think as they walk past. I fear the silence I might encounter, etc. But averting my eyes and pretending I don't see doesn't help."

The complicated issue for me of homelessness is recognition. I want to help, but I don't want people to think I'm helping to show off. You know? I want to ask my coworkers who leave the building if the homeless guy is still there, so I can bring him lunch, but I don't want them to think I'm asking for attention/recognition. (I almost NEVER leave my desk. I don't take lunch breaks.) I don't want to seem like I'm bragging by talking about it... I want to inspire others, but I do not want to be an inspiration- if you understand the difference?

I feel slightly guilty for taking pleasure out of it. I was 2.5 hours late to work today, so I didn't see him, I guess he moved somewhere else, idk. I am hoping to build a rapport with him and to get to know his story, but again, that's for my personal gain: because I have always been curious about the issue.

When they ask for money, I tell them that I never carry cash, but that there's a down the street, and what would they like? A jacket? Shoes? Something to drink? Have they eaten today?

I feel that this action is more meaningful... But that could just be a cop-out to making myself feel better about it. I do not trust that they won't go buy drugs, booze, cigarettes, or junk food with the money. I am controlling... I know that. I want to make sure that they're getting proper nutrition by handing them fruit or a prepared meal. I don't want to give someone $1. I would rather spend $20 on lunch or a gift card to a restaurant, etc.

I also feel that handing them some change is TOO easy. There's no personal interaction. Does the homeless person feel cared for when you drop them some change? Do they feel more human when we stop and ask about their needs? I have no way of knowing, but I have my assumptions.

I have really only had interactions with 3 homeless people, one being the guy in yesterday's post.
One day, when I was walking downtown, a woman approached me (she was very close to me, in my face, I thought she might try to mug me) and asked for some money for bus fare. I told her that I didn't have any money to give, but that I would walk with her to the trax station (right across the street) and buy her a ticket. She got this demonic look on her face and yelled "WELL FINE!" and RAN off. She honestly looked like she was possessed, the look of hate on her face and how rapidly her demeanor changed when I offered my alternative. It was very disconcerting.

In college, I knew I wasn't going to use up my meal plan, so I used it to buy a bag of no-cook, no-refrigeration needed groceries and then I took it to the homeless guy I saw every day. He said "God Bless You" when he took the groceries. I also stopped at a place that had a "now hiring" sign up and asked for an application. They were very excited, thinking that the application was for me. They acted like they wanted to hire me on the spot. I told them that the application wasn't for me, but for the homeless guy who frequents the area. They pretty much said not to bother. That experience really opened my eyes to the barriers that homeless people experience to finding employment. White, middle-class America thinks that they should just get a job and fix their own problems... But if employers aren't willing to give them the opportunity? WTH. We've got some problems here. How is a homeless person supposed to get a job if they can't clean up and look presentable for an interview? :-(

One small change.

I saw Rent Thursday night. Rent was already my favorite musical. But wow. Wow. It was so much more amazing than I'd ever imagined it could be. I felt very convicted by the show's scenes about homelessness. I felt guilty. I felt grateful for what I have. I wished that I had the ability to do more. But really, that's a freaking cop out and an excuse. I do have the ability. I can't do large, grand gestures, but I can do something. I have money to do extra things for myself and my family. I'm pretty spoiled. I throw food away because I don't eat it all.

There's a homeless guy who sits right outside my work everyday. I've been ignoring him for weeks. I wonder how many people pass him every day and don't even think twice about him. This morning I made eye contact with him and then he started speaking to me. So he's a polite panhandler. He waits to be acknowledged before soliciting. How long have I had some of these meal replacement shakes, and other items in the fridge here? I buy food in bulk. I have things to spare, and it really doesn't cost me much. I gave him my banana on Friday as I walked into work. I went to the fridge and grabbed my extra protein shake, but when I went back downstairs he was gone. I wonder where he went.

I'll admit it, I am very apprehensive about giving panhandlers money. I do not like to do it. I pretty much don't. But, I can give him food. and either he will eat it, or he will trade it for something else, but at least now I know he's had the opportunity to eat.

This morning, I rode past him on my expensive bike while listening to my iPod and wearing my expensive cycling gear. Man, I sure am lucky to be able to have these nice things. I shared my clementines with him (giving him the ones with the best color because sometimes some of them aren't great and I don't want him to think I'm giving him my garbage and my rejects. and I gave him one of my protein shakes that have been in the fridge for months, but aren't expired.) He made a comment about how healthy he's going to be and how he'll be running and doing summersaults down the street in no time. He didn't complain. He didn't ask for anything else. It was a nice exchange. I've always wondered what people's stories are. How did you end up in this predicament? What happened to your family? I've always been too afraid to ask.

Did you know that there are over 1 million homeless individuals in L.A.? That's crazy. That's a LOT of people living on the streets. Dying on the streets. What a terrible way to die. I've also been watching Secret Millionaire. It makes me wish I was a millionaire so I could help people. That's a cop out and an excuse. I can help people. This episode actually shows how much just one person can do on his own. The show is really motivational, and I highly suggest watching it.

I've been reading Anne Rice lately. There is a nun in "The Tale of the Body Thief" named Gretchen. She and Lestat talk about how you can't look at the big picture and try to change things on a grand scale. The impact that you make in individual lives matters, even if you don't see a widespread change in the whole society. I firmly believe this. Life matters. Life is precious. Each individual life is worthwhile. We only get one life to live. Make it the best you can. It really hurts to know that some people only endure extreme hardships in life and get very little enjoyment and pleasure.

We are extremely blessed. I know that we always want more. More more more. I am so guilty of this. But we also really need to sit back and be appreciative for what we do have. and man, I have a LOT. I am SPOILED. I have a nice home. I have extra money to go out to events and such. I get to take vacations. I am LUCKY. and I know that. and I am going to try to pay it forward. What is belief without action? I need to get off my ass and quit waiting for someone else to make a change in the world. I need to quit convincing myself that there's nothing I can do. I need to quit idly wishing I could do something. Having my hippie, idealist beliefs means nothing if I don't actually do anything to help others. All that does it make me a lazy hypocrite. and that's not really who I'd like to be. Hopefully I can make this personal change more long-term, instead of being a brief fad-like experience. I don't want to go back to being a hypocrite.

"Plateaus" and Breakfast

I don't really believe in "Plateaus" when it comes to losing weight. When partway through your weight loss efforts, you just slow down or stop losing weight, and "it's your body's fault." I think it's more of partway through the weight loss efforts, we get bored. We are seeing results and so we get a little lax in our eating/exercising regimen.

I have been struggling in my weight loss for the last few months. I have still been consistently losing weight, but it seems to be getting more difficult. I think I figured out why: food fatigue. I am bored with what I eat. Because food spoils, I will buy something and eat it every day until the package is gone, so that it doesn't go bad. I REALLY need to stop doing this. Because I'll eat the same thing every day for 3 weeks, and then I'm sick of it and don't want it anymore, and then I'll start going out to eat to find better food options. That's bad.

I've decided that I need to bring something different for breakfast everyday. I have plenty of options. I've come up with plenty of breakfasts that I like:

1. whole-wheat english muffin (4pts) with canadian bacon (1pt for 4 slices) and laughing cow cheese (1 pt per wedge). I eat each half of the english muffin separately, so I'm eating it slower and get to experience the flavors longer. This is a 7 point breakfast. Though that might be perceived as a lot of points for breakfast, it is extremely filling. I typically can't eat this all in one sitting, and I have to finish it about an hour later. I prefer the whole-wheat english muffin to the sourdough (my husband's favorite) because it has a sweeter undertone. It just seems more full-flavored to me. I savor eating the whole-wheat ones more. I've gotten burnt out on these before, but at other times, it's an absolute disaster if I run out and don't have time to go to the store for more. Interestingly, I used to think that english muffins were gross and awful and why would you eat one, but now I love them.

2. banana (0 points). I love bananas. I rarely experience banana burn out. Typically, if I don't have a banana, my whole day is thrown off. I love bananas. I don't know what it is about bananas, but I find them to be very filling. I think it is the sugars. Also, I don't like the way the sugars stay in my mouth as an after taste, so I drink a LOT of water to clear the flavor out, and who doesn't need more hydration? I also have add-ons to my bananas like peanut butter (5-8 points), or these 100 cal chocolate sauce or caramel packets (3 points)

3. yogurt (2-3 points). Sometimes I add this to cereal instead of milk to make it thicker/more filling/more flavorful. I have burned out on this twice now.

4. carrot juice (2 points per serving). When I was doing a much more ambitious job of making sure I got my servings of fruits and vegetables in, I would pair this with an english muffin for breakfast. I hate carrots, but I actually really enjoy carrot juice. I got really burned out on carrot juice though. :-(

I typically mix and match these items. Every once in a while I'll eat a frozen breakfast item. These breakfast items are great for me because they require very littler preparation. I can just grab them and prepare them once I've arrived at work. These items are also really good snacks for later in the day too.

I tried getting the Hostess Smart Bakes muffins/FiberOne muffins, but they are way too small for the points values (4 points) and they are not filling at all.

On the weekends my husband makes breakfast. He adores HUGE portions. The picture above is Furry Thom eating one of Jake's breakfasts. That's a pre-weight watchers breakfast. Now, there would be less/no cheese, a much smaller helping of hashbrowns (if at all) . Sometimes he does turkey sausage which is 1 pt per link. Another change is that now there's always some fruit on the plate too, whether it's a clementine or berries. There's also typically an english muffin on the plate too (in the old day's it'd be toast, which can be over 6pts depending on the bread). I should take a picture of a new breakfast plate sometime.

How to "Make friends and influence people" in a correctional facility

I have been working in a low security correctional setting for almost a year now.

It is HARD.

In my interview, my boss told me that it would be hard, and that the residents would test my boundaries and try to manipulate me, etc. I believed that I could handle it. I can. I have. I have definitely made mistakes. There is a HUGE adjustment period to the job. Some staff don't understand this. They think that after 40 hours of training they're equal in skill to the people who've been here longer. On the flip side, there are some people with YEARS of experience who still haven't mastered the nuances of the job.

That's the hard part. The nuances.

On each shift, we have a series of tasks that we have to oversee/complete. They're necessary for the daily running of the facility. You learn to master that in your 40 hours of training.

But there is SO MUCH MORE to the job than that. and we do not do an adequate job of training for that.

We have over 100 inmates physically living in the building. We have anywhere from 2-5 people on duty to manage those 100 people. They are people. They have emotions. Their lives are complicated. They are stressed about work, and money, and the relationships with their families. It is hard for them. Staff are people too. People are petty. People are poor communicators. People have poor personal insight. Imagine trying to keep over 100 people safe. Being responsible for 100 people. Living people. Active people. If they all lived in cells and we had nightsticks, maybe it would be easier. But we don't. If staff does not respond to inmates in the correct manner, no one benefits. A night in the facility is harder for everyone.

Dear inmates and staff, We are not here to make friends. We are here to help people transition into contributing members of society. I can be nice to you. I can be polite. I can stop and talk to you when you strike up a conversation with me. I will not be rude to you. If I am rude to you, I will take ownership of the slight and explain to you why my unintentional actions were likely perceived that way. and I will apologize for making you feel lesser.

In my opinion, this is the trick of doing my job well. This is how I help people and help the facility. When I have open and honest communication with the residents, they see me as a real person. and I see them as a real person. We're not pals or buds, but we're no longer combatants on different sides of the war between "cops" and "inmates." I refer to this as having rapport or a good working relationship with the inmates. and it makes my job so much easier.

Let's say that Staff X has enforced a rule on Resident A and resident A feels that Staff X was rude in how they did it. Let's say that I have a good working relationship with Resident A. I can pull him/her aside and talk to him/her about the situation. I can explain where staff is coming from while also validating the resident's thoughts and feelings. I can prevent the situation from escalating and having a tense facility for the rest of the evening.

I think this is my greatest strength at work: honesty and earnestness and validation of their feelings. Most of what people want on this Earth is to feel heard and understood. We want to know that we're okay the way we are with our emotions and beliefs. In a world where we want to sweep everything under the rug and pretend that everything is okay, it is a breath of fresh air when I tell the residents, "You're right. The situation sucks. The bureaucracy is not best serving you in this situation. I know. There are definitely things that we could do better for you. I am sorry that things aren't better than they are. However, I do not have any power to change those things. I understand your concerns, but I can't fix the problem." and really, they know this. But they want to know that I know this. They want to vent, and they won't stop venting and let me do my job until they feel heard and understood.

I have a good working relationship with the residents because they know where I stand. Each staff member needs to choose where we stand. I have to do my job. I have to enforce the rules. I am consistent. Staff has to be consistent. You cannot pick and choose the situations in which you administer the proper disciplinary protocol. If one of the residents that I have the good working relationship with breaks the rules, I will enforce the rules on him/her, just like I will on the jerk who is rude every time he comes in. The residents also know that I will do whatever is within my rights to help them. If staff has made a mistake, even if I wasn't the one who did it, I will do everything I can to make sure it is corrected. I won't just say "suck it up and deal."

However, I do tell the residents to "suck it up and deal" (but not in a rude way.) Failure to plan ahead on your part, does not lead to an emergency on my part. I will explain what could have been done to prevent the problem, and that there is nothing I can do for you at this time. I will apologize for the situation, but let them know how it will be. When the residents lament the imperfections in the program, I validate them and then say, "Unfortunately, you have to suck it up and deal. There is nothing that can change it, and you are increasing your suffering by refusing to accept the situation. You don't have to pretend that the situation isn't the way it is, but you have to learn to adapt and live with it and move on."

In conclusion, you don't make friends in a correctional facility; rather, influence people to trust you and to work with you.

(And for the record, I've never read the book How to Make Friends and Influence People, but my husband has, and he sure has influenced me.)

Why I'm afraid of switching to "maintanence"

So, by now, I think it's fair to say that I know how to lose weight. I wouldn't say that I've "mastered" it. Because for me, it will never be something I master. I have self-control issues. and I love food. I LOVE food.

I know how to gain weight. Obviously. My weight has yo-yoed. Lose some, then regain more.

What I do not know how to do at all is maintain my weight once I've lost it. It is honestly kind of frightening and difficult for me to decide to stop losing weight. I flip flop from one extreme (overeating) to another (calorie restricting). I don't know how to live "normally" in the middle. I think that this is probably the hardest part of weight loss: Keeping it off and staying at the same weight.

Summer is hard. It's hot out. It's the time of ice cream, and bbqs, and vacation. I have a teenage boy in my house. (and his father who thinks he can still eat like a teenager.) I want to do good, nice things for the family and give them good experiences. Summers are extremely difficult and stressful for me.

Why is food such a comfort? What are the evolutionary/psychological reasons that we eat for comfort? I wish I would have learned about that in school... I'm sure I could make some guesses about dopamine etc., but still.

My friend is getting married in mid-August. My dress is way too big for me (since we purchased it 3 months ago.) I am getting it taken in in a few weeks, and I should probably stop losing weight between then and the wedding. But it is scary and difficult for me to think about stopping losing weight. I keep telling myself that it will be good for me to "practice" maintaining weight and then lose the rest and maintain. The last time that I did weight watchers, they only had a 6 week maintenance period. I do not think that that is sufficient. My hope is to be on "active" maintenance for the same amount of time that I've been "actively" losing weight. I don't want to "quit the plan" at the earliest time. I want to be successful forever.

Therefore, I think that I will be switching to maintenance for the summer. We'll see if I actually do...

Update: [Wed June 22. 0900] I'm going to "enjoy" my summer, and when I return to "life as I know it," I will more actively lose weight. I am thinking that I will still probably lose about half a pound a week, but we'll see.

Great things my parents did

I hate holidays. Can I say it again? I hate them. So now that the holiday is over, I can stop being bitter about it and say something nice and meaningful.

My parents did a really good job. I've probably never told them this. I hate it when I'm wrong and someone else was right. Grrr. My parents were right. Someday, I'd grow up and realize why they did all the terrible things they did to me to "ruin my life." Fine. It happened. I admit it? I'll get off my high-horse and go eat some low-cal humble pie.

I am a great person. and it is because of my parents. My parents set me up for success as a small child. Now that I'm an adult and have left the environment in which I was reared, I can see how the places that others chose to raise their kids has negatively impacted them. I was raised in a very high-achieving town. Education was taken very seriously. Almost everyone graduates high school and goes to college. We refer to the town as "the bubble."

In my opinion, good parenting starts when the child is young. Although I believe that there are "crucial years" (early years when you're learning to walk, talk, and use the bathroom, and then the pre-teen and teen years), good parenting starts much earlier than that. My parents had high expectations for me. There was never a question in my mind that I would go to college. None. I never once thought about not going to college. From a YOUNG age (early elementary school), my parents told me that if I got a full-ride scholarship to college, they would buy me any car I wanted with the money that had been saved for my college. So, the goal wasn't to go to college, the goal was to not pay for college so I could have something else with the money. (BTW, I did get a full-tuition scholarship.)

My parents clearly set expectations and stated what the consequences would be. If I got the full-ride, I'd get a car when I graduated. If I got married before I graduated, my parents would not pay for the rest of my education. If I had an unplanned pregnancy, my parents would not babysit my child or provide housing for us. The message here was "if you want to act like an adult, be prepared to be independent and self-sufficient as adults should be."

My parents bought me books. Not video games. I never had a brand-new gaming system. I got my first one when I was nearly 21 years old, and I bought it for my step-child. My grandmother bought me books. They would give me catalogs from which to buy books. I LOVED reading. I used to get in trouble frequently enough, and I made my mother promise to never ground me from books. Take away friends, take away dessert, take away the TV, but NEVER take away my books. (For Christmas one year when I was in college, every gift I got from my friends contained a book.)

My Sister and I appreciating the view in Athens.

I learned the value of money and that hard work is a good thing. I was raised in a very affluent town. Kids were spoiled! Kids got brand new cars for their 16th birthdays. Not used cars. A lot of kids got BMWs or Lexuses when they turned 16. My dad did give both of us cars too, but they were not new cars. (My best friend got her car as a reward for qualifying for the national debate tourniment.) I never wore name-brand clothing. We shopped at garage sales for books and clothes and toys. (I've never bought anything from Toys-R-Us, either). My sister and I are workaholics. Just like our father. I was bragging to a friend about how much my sister works and how she started working in her career field at the age of 15. The friend said, "Why does your sister work so much when your Dad's loaded?" What sort of a question is that? NEVER give to someone something that is unearned. I wrote out a detailed budget and submitted it to my parents for review when I asked for my allowance. I wrote how I was working over 40 hours a week with class times and homework and that I was receiving excellent performance reviews (grades). I justified each expense (books, food, clothes, etc.) I STILL maintain a budget like this for myself now that I'm an adult.

My Dad taught me a lot about identity. He didn't want any one event or achievement to define me. You are not the bad things that have happened to you. You are not the awards you've received. I have watched some of my friends lose themselves to one part of themselves. I am an multi-faceted human being. I am a wife. I am a care-giver. I love music. I love to dance. I love to read. I am hardworking. I am nerdy. I am a cyclist. I am passionate about multiple things. My life does not revolve around solely one core of my identity. I have more than my work. I have more than my iPod. I have more than my husband. I moved past and beyond who other people wanted me to be, or who other people said I was, or the broken miserable person that I once was. My dad said, "the only thing that never changes is that things are always changing." Are you changing? Or have you been the same person for the last 5 years? Have you learned anything? Have you grown?

My parents made sacrifices for me. They saw what was best for me, and they let me do it. I'm sure it was hard. But it was the best thing they could have ever done for me. My parents let me go. They let me leave them behind and become my own person without them. I am a happy person now. I am most definitely not the person that I was when I left home. I recognized that this was a sacrifice when it happened. My parents let me go. I imagine that it was terrifying. I'm sure that it really really hurt them to let me go in the way that they did. I moved across the country. My parents helped me do it. They supported and encouraged me. I was a rude, mean, hateful, ungrateful brat about it. I was very mad and very hurt. and then I grew up, and got a tattoo, and got over it.

My parents are not saints. My parents made HUGE mistakes. My parents and I have hurt each other a great deal. It took me a very long time to move past the mistakes me parents made, and our relationship is very difficult and strained because of those hard times. But I am still a great person. and it is still because of my parents.

Father's Day. Bleh.

I hate holidays. Pretty much all holidays. The only reasons why holidays are good are because you get a paid day off of work. Or extra pay if you still have to work.

I don't understand why every day can't be treated the same.

The felons at the halfway house want special treatment of privileges on holidays, which invariably means a lot more attitude and entitlement from them, and a lot more work and stress for us.

Holidays are emotional. They remind you of the person you wish you (or someone else) would be, or the people who aren't around you, etc. My idea of being a good kid on father/mother's day is to text my dad, and then to try to call him on my 10 minute commute to work. :-( I'm a bad kid.

I dislike father/mother's day because it emphasizes individuals who perform a specific activity. It pulls this group of people and makes them more important and valuable than the others who don't fit into the group. Why don't we have a 3rd basemen's day?

How do you define parenthood? Does reproduction make you a mother or a father? What about step-parents? Or father figures? Where do they (we) fit in here?

What about women and men who are unable to have children (physically, financially, emotionally, lack of partners)? For those, these holidays are days of pain. To people who are separated from their parents/children whether it's due to the military, estrangement, or deaths, now we're stuck for an entire day feeling that longing and sadness.

We all know that there is no such thing as the perfect parent. So why set aside a special day when all we can think about is the things we could have done better as parents or the things our parents could have done better for us?

Staying Healthy on Vacation

In case you didn't know, I was on vacation this week and arrived home last night. To meet the scale. and to figure out what to eat for dinner.

This conversation actually did happen:

Husband: "So what do you want to do for dinner tonight?"
Me: "I don't know yet. Let's see what the scale says."

But let's be honest, did I change my dinner decision based on what the scale said: No.

I gained weight. What do you mean I gained weight? I went on a 3 hour hike! And it required swimming, and climbing over big piles of rocks! I saw across the bay! Grrr!

One thing I will say, is that I didn't throw it all out the window as soon as I clocked out of work and hopped in the car for the trek to the lake... I counted my points until we actually got on the water. Meaning: when we went to McDonalds and Subway, I made good decisions and I was aware of the nutrition facts of the foods that I ate. That's something to be applauded, I think. However, I didn't start caring about what I ate once we got off the lake. I had a burger, fries, and a shake for lunch and pizza for dinner. DOH. But man, it sure is good to eat those things every once in a while.

I am lucky that I have trained myself well. I no longer hate myself for little hiccups or mishaps. I don't beat myself up about it. I looked at the week and looked at what could have caused my unanticipated weight gain.

Gross as it is, I was camping. I didn't want to use the outdoor toilet that was in too plain of view. I likely hadn't eliminated everything out of my intestines. I'm pretty sure that this is the reason every time I "gain weight". Because I drop the 3-4 lbs within a few days and if it were "real" weight, I doubt that would happen.

Things I will do differently next time we go camping:

#1. Plan ahead better. My husband does ALL of the cooking for us on these trips. Which means that he decides what we eat. This means that I have a lot of influence on what we eat. If I would have planned ahead better, I could have known the points values of the meals, snacks, and side dishes.

#2. Be less passive. This means that I need to make absolutely sure that we bring the things that I need to be successful. Even if I'm the only person that wants them. It's my vacation too, and I don't want my vacation to be ruined when I come home by having gained weight.
#2a. Bring crystal light packets. I mentioned getting crystal light packets when we were shopping for the trip, but I didn't outright say, "we will get some." That was a mistake. I drank a lot of gatorade. Gatorade has a lot of calories in it. I liked the taste of the gatorade and didn't want as much plain water as I should have had. I'm pretty sure that gatorade is the #1 reason I gained weight. Crystal light would have given me the flavored drink, without the calories. :-( It's really easy for me to forget about the calories I've consumed in beverages if I don't write them down.
#2b. Bring 100 calorie snack packs. I ate 260 calorie bags of cookies. I ate goldfish and Cheetos and jerky. If I were in the "real world" instead of "vacation land," I would NEVER have eaten those things. Because there were limited options for snacks, I had no choice but to snack on the "bad" stuff. I'll fix this next time.
#2c. Force someone to buy diet soda. Buy my own damn diet soda for my husband and I and hide it in our own separate cooler in our tent. I'm going to need to get a bigger tent for all the food-hording that I'm planning. ;) I didn't open a single soda while we were on the trip. But I did have sips of my husbands. Empty wasted calories. A diet sprite or coke would have been great and refreshing and would have mixed things up nicely, but I didn't have any. So I drank a lot more calorie-laden Gatorade than I should have. (The only times I drink sodas are when I am having specific cravings for one. or if I need caffeine. I avoid Gatorade like the plague in the real-world too.)

#3. Be meaner. Not really, but bring my own foods and don't share them. Why am I sharing ALL the snacks we brought? -When we have to wheedle to get anything from your store of snacks? Huh? Huh? Rude. If the other people on the trip don't care about their eating choices, I should bring along my special healthier foods and bring only enough for me, in my own bag, and keep them only for me. This will keep me from "over-snacking." If I plan ahead and know the points values of the meals, I can then decide how many extra points I have for snacks.

#4. Be cognizant of why I'm eating. I'm pretty sure I did a lot of "boredom" eating while floating around on the fishing boat. I should have had chewing gum mixed in with the snack boxes. or remembered to drink more water to determine if I was really hungry.

#5. Remember that it is NOT "too much work" to track what I eat (and drink) and the nutritional information for it, and the added food I can eat for being more active.

Hopefully next time I can remember these things and do better!

Step 8. Be proud.

I've been called a "skinny bitch." More than once. :-) I actually love being called a skinny bitch. Because the way they're not calling me a bitch in a bad way. They are recognizing the work that I have done. They are honoring the decisions that I've made. I chose smaller portions and low-fat and low-sugar options, when everyone else is not.

I've been called a "health nut." Yeah, I NEVER imagined that one happening.

My clothes fall off of me. Literally. 2 months into losing weight, I went and bought some jeans, since I didn't have any to wear to work. 3 months ago, I changed jobs and needed new clothes. Those clothes are falling off of me. Wow.

I've learned so much about nutrition and health. That's pretty cool.

I am inspiring others.

I've found ways to eat things I like, without breaking the caloric bank.

I still eat cake, cookies, chocolate, candy, and ice cream. When I was first starting to lose weight, I was so proud of myself when I had a slice of pizza. Because I had A slice of pizza instead of a pizza. I didn't feel bad about myself when I "slipped." Which is the great thing about WW, eating "junk food" isn't "cheating." The plan accommodates for it. I congratulated myself for my self-control and recognized the accomplishment of eating one piece of pizza instead of 6. and I really really really love that I can still lose weight while eating a few pieces of chocolate a day.

Step 7. Do it.

Be realistic. Every week isn't going to be a good/great week. Learn from it, and move on.

Be honest with yourself. I have been shocked when I actually looked up the nutrition facts on some of the foods I've eaten: "I knew it wouldn't be super healthy, but I sure wasn't expecting it to be THAT BAD." or "What do you mean it's an entire meal's worth of food?! Are you kidding me? I thought it was healthy!" And then there's the times: "Seriously, what I thought was a disaster choice wasn't?! Yippee!"

You HAVE to track what you eat. You HAVE to look up the nutrition facts. This is not negotiable. I say this because I have a friend who's "on weight watchers" except she doesn't know the points values for ANYTHING. She's just "watching what she eats" and "knowing that I'm on the plan makes me make better decisions." Except she's not losing weight. And doesn't know why. and doesn't listen when I say she should look up the values of what she eats. (I know the values of what I've seen her eat, or heard her tell me she's eaten. I'm so not surprised at all.) "Watching what you eat" DOES NOT WORK. Unless you actually know what you're eating, but she doesn't. There are days and weeks where I don't track as strictly as I should. However, because I have memorized the nutrition facts for my favorite foods, I still know how to make better decisions. But when I stop actually thinking (or caring) about what I eat, is when I gain 4 lbs in 4 days. (Yeah, it happened.)

I will say it again, WEIGHT LOSS IS A MARATHON AND NOT A SPRINT. Man, I know it's hard. We all want it to be a sprint. I definitely struggle with this. A healthy rate of weight loss is 1-2 pounds per week. I am in that range. When I get on the scale and I've lost a good number that week, I wonder to myself "If I hadn't had that cookie, would the number be higher?" That's terrible! Why do I think like that? Because I want to be super skinny NOW. I don't want to take a long time to get to the finish line. Yet, when I lose a small amount of weight for the week, I console myself by saying that the longer it takes me to lose the weight, the more likely the weight will be to stay off because it's more likely to have become a habit.

Is your weight-management plan livable? On days when I start thinking, "I can't wait until I'm done with weight watchers" are the days that I know I'm still in trouble. I cannot think of this as a diet. I will fail if I think I will be done with it. I need to be conscious of my nutrition for the rest of my life. When I gained 4 lbs in 4 days, I reverted back to the old me. I've been on the plan for 6 months, but it was that easy to go back to my old eating habits. :-(

I weigh myself every day. I know that "they" say you're not supposed to, but I do. Because I do "cheat" sometimes. Nutrition information for everything we eat isn't available. So I have to do some guesswork. I use the scale to inform my guesswork. If my weight is trending up for a few days, I stay stricter on the plan to get it back where it should be.

I don't like saying that weight loss is work. It takes effort and thought. It doesn't just take care of itself. But it is easy. Or at least, it can be easy. We decide whether it is hard or easy for us to lose weight. Yes, your body determines the rate of weight lost, but our psyche is what makes it hard for us to handle. We always want more, faster! While at the same time, we want our cake, and pizza too!

Step 6. Make goals.

Make realistic goals. Are you doing what you need to do to achieve that goal? Weight loss is definitely a marathon, not a sprint.
Measure your success. Take your measurements. It's amazing to look back and say, "really, I had that many inches on my thighs? Wow."

I had both quantitative and qualitative goals.
I wanted to "feel better about myself." "Fit in clothes better." "Wear a bathing suit." "Have less flabby arms." "Have toned thighs." "Have a firmer core." I want to look like an athlete. Is that a realistic goal? Yes- because I know that it is going to take work, and I know what I have to do to get there.

My original goal was to lose 30 lbs. I wanted to lose 5 lbs per month. I made myself a spreadsheet of my goals. As I got to 20 lbs lost and realized, "Did I really just do that?" I made a more aggressive goal, I decided to lose 40 lbs.

As I hit 25 lbs lost, a bunch of people started telling me that I was losing "too much weight" and that I "needed to stop losing weight or I'd disappear." Now, I had noticed that my face was thinner. I did think, "I hope I stop losing weight in my face, I'm happy with my face the way it is now." Then I noticed that my hip bones were sticking out a lot. (I then noticed that that was only during certain exercises, and not all the time.) I asked my husband what he thought about how much weight I'd lost: was it enough? He said to lose 10 more and if that was too much to gain 5 back. I hadn't taken my measurements in months.

When I got my fancy scale, I set goals for where I wanted my Body Fat, Water Weight, Muscle Mass, BMR, Visceral Fat, Metabolic Age, Bone Weight, and Physique Rating to be. I made a spread sheet of what each goal was, and where I expected to be each month toward those goals. For the first 6 weeks I did really well in getting the numbers better. Not so much for the last 4 weeks. Grrr.

When I took my measurements, I had some great changes. I'd noticed that my pants were literally falling off of me and that I needed to throw them in the basement for a good reason. I pulled my old clothes out of the basement. A lot of those are now in the "too big to wear" category. Yay. Looking back, I've lost a LOT of inches. However, the act of taking my measurements also helped me really see myself. Yeah, the weight on the scale's looking good, and other people are saying to stop. But is my body really where I want it? No, it's not. I looked at the places where the extra fat is still hanging. That re-motivated me to keep losing weight, because I'm not where I want my body to be.

I truly believe that people should have goals. How can you assess what you've done, if you have not set any guidelines to measure against? I feel that without goals, people just flounder about. People need direction. Lack of direction gets us in trouble. What do you want out of this life? Or are you just here for the ride?

Step 5: Figure out your weight management plan.

Now that you're actually committed to losing weight and you're ready to take the plunge, how are you doing to do it?

We're going to go back to the honesty issue again. Have you been honest with yourself and accepted that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint? It doesn't happen overnight.

What do you expect out of your weight loss plan? Are your expectations realistic?

What are you willing to put into it?

How are you going to handle set-backs?

Is your weight-management plan livable? So, you've got a plan for losing weight. Great. What's your plan for making sure it doesn't come back?

This article does a good job analyzing different "diets" that are available.

I'd tried "counting calories" before, but it was REALLY hard for me. It seemed like I got barely anything to eat at all.

I'd tried atkins once. I lasted one day. I was freaking STARVING. I'd eaten food, I wasn't starving myself, but I didn't feel full. At all. I was ravenous.

Also, I don't believe in "fad diets." If the name "Fad" is in the title, that should be a pretty good warning sign. I don't believe in miracles or quick fixes. I believe in good 'ole work. (That being said, I've gotten on the scale and exclaimed "it's a miracle!" Because WW hasn't been work for me at all. It's easy." Quite frankly, the principle behind HCG scares me. I also just don't believe in diets. Once you're off the diet, the weight comes back. I needed something that was livable.

I chose Weight Watchers because I'd done it twice before. I was 13 and 16 years old. I was successful both times. But obviously, I'd put the weight back on. and I know exactly why that happened. My mother controlled my food when I was on WW before. My mother controlled my weight loss. Yes, again, it was me putting the food in my mouth, and I could have chosen other items when I was out of the house, but I didn't learn ANYTHING about healthy eating when I was on WW in the past.

I do WW online because I spend 40 hours a week staring at the computer, bored out of my mind. I work 80 hours a week, I so do not have time to go to meetings. I'm of the "internet generation," and I've had no troubles finding all the info and tips I need online. I love weight watchers because I have learned so much about the impact of what I eat. Is a piece of pizza really worth it? Um, yes, but not to the extreme that I used to take it. Can I eat a cookie? Yes. and I do. But one cookie instead of 4.

Step 4. Commit to losing weight. NOW.

It took me a year of "trying to lose weight" to actually lose weight. I was not committed to actually losing weight. I lacked conviction. I lacked follow through.

One day, sitting in my cubicle at work, I decided "I'm going to join Weight Watchers today." So I did.

I started Weight Watchers on December 22nd. 3 days before Christmas. The day of my company's Christmas Party. People thought I was crazy. I wasn't. I was done with all the BS. "Someday Isle" had come. I was doing this, and I was doing this now, damnit! I had my motivation and I wasn't going to make anymore excuses. I was fed up, and I wanted to change, and I wanted to change NOW. I texted my husband and said "FYI, I just signed up for Weight Watchers. I hope that's okay." There was no discussion of "is now the best time, blah blah blah." I was finally ready to quit putting it off and quit pretending it didn't need to be done. Whew. Finally.

It's kind of funny that I started losing weight 2 weeks before New Year's. I'm sure people thought it was strange. They were probably already planning their "New Year's Resolutions" lists and I'm sure that losing weight was near the top. But really, why do you allow the calendar to dictate your health decisions? That's crazy. When you're ready, you're ready. Go for it. I was glad that I chose to join WW when I did, because I'm sure that if it was a "New Year's Resolution," I would have been less successful. For most people, NYRs are a whim. Kind of like what I said in step 1. We want to achieve this change, without actually doing any of the work to change. NYRs are expected to fail. Within days. I've now been on WW for almost 6 months. I'm still trucking along.

I can't remember what the original conversation was about, but my husband was asking if I was sure that I wanted to do something. and I replied, "There's no time like the present." He wrote it on our fridge. There's no time like now. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. What are you waiting for? If you were to die today, are you happy? Are you where you want to be? If not, do something! You need to be satisfied. We only get one life. Don't waste it. Even though I haven't accomplished all my goals, I am happy. If I died today, I'd be happy, because at least I'm doing what I need to do to get where I want to go. In case you never make it to your destination, be happy with the journey.

Step 3. Discover the reasons you want to lose weight and why you won't quit. Also known as- "Get Motivated, Stay Motivated"

So, I've realized that I want to lose weight, and I've stopped kidding myself about it. But what now?

You have to have an impetus to start losing weight. You also have to have a reason to cling to when you start getting frustrated, bored, or tired of the effort of losing weight. Eating poorly is so much easier than being healthy. So why is it worth it for you to become healthy and to not give up? Although motivation and goals are related, I don't think that they are the same.

Motivator #1 (also known as My Impetus): Self-esteem: I didn't want to feel bad about myself anymore.
I didn't lose weight for vanity. I lost weight for how I felt. I didn't feel bad when I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were blind to the changes my body had taken. My pants were not. Every day when I tried to put on a pair of pants, they screamed at me: "You fatty, you cannot fit into me. RAWR!!!" and THAT made me feel bad. Waking up every morning to have that message everywhere you turn in your closet. Yikes. I refused to buy a new wardrobe. I decided to make a change in my life and to lose weight, instead of buying a bunch of new clothes. I had busted the buckle off of a pair of jeans. My thighs had rubbed holes into another pair of jeans. My 3rd pair of jeans wouldn't close at all. (I write this post while wearing that 3rd pair of jeans, btw.)

I went through my closet and pulled out all of the clothes that I tried to wear everyday, that didn't fit, and that frustrated me to try. I threw them all down the stairs into the basement. I left them there. I assume my husband moved them from there (thanks honey.) I did this because I decided that I wasn't going to feel bad about myself everyday anymore. I wasn't going to try in vain to wear those clothes anymore. I didn't need to get discouraged anymore. I'd "turned that corner." I was going to change. Not fitting in my clothes was my motivation, but I wasn't going to let myself feel bad for not fitting in them. They had to be out of sight.

Motivator #2: Losing weight made me feel good.
Not only did I not feel bad about myself, I actually felt good about myself. I am in control, and that's powerful. I am not a quitter. I am stubborn. I do not fail. I felt proud that I had made a decision to lose weight, and that I was following through on it. I had accomplished something.

Motivator #3: Health. (Kinda funny that "being healthy" came so far down the list. More of that denial stuff, I didn't realize I was unhealthy. Matter of fact, I never thought about health at all.)
Step 3 is an ongoing process. As I lost more weight, and learned more about health, I wanted to become more healthy. I bought a Tanita scale (hereby referred to as "my fancy scale"). It uses electrodes to analyze Weight, Body Fat, Water Weight, Muscle Mass, BMR, Visceral Fat, Metabolic Age, Bone Weight, and then gives your body a Physique Rating. I was shocked when I used it. My Physique was "Small Frame Obese." What do you mean I'm obese?! I've lost 15 lbs! That was an eye-opener. My metabolic age was 15 years older than my real age. That's terrifying and sad. As I reached my 20 lb weight loss milestone, I stopped seeing results in my measurements. I started losing the weight slower. I'd read enough now to know that there was more to health than one measurement (weight). Now I had other measures of the changes (improvements) I was making to my body. More on this when I get to Step 6: Make Goals.

Motivator #4: Vanity.
My husband's main mode of transportation for the last year and a half has been his bicycle. He has amazing legs. Wow. I like his legs a lot. They are literally hard as rocks.
I hate my thighs. Hate, hate, hate. Always have. Man, I want thighs like his. I WILL have thighs like his. Even if it takes me four years to get there. Luckily, I am a cyclist. I became a cyclist. I love cycling. LOVE cycling. Truely, deeply, honestly. I am in love with my bike. I love it. I think about it all the time. I wish I could spend more time on my bike. Dear Bike, I <3 you.
I also like to look cute. Cycling clothes can be really cute. Do you know what's not cute? THUNDER THIGHS in my cycling shorts. If ever I need a reminder of why I haven't upped my caloric intake yet, put on my cycling shorts. Is that acceptable to you? Nope! Then step away from the pizza menu.

Step 2. Stop being in denial.

It seems kind of contradictory that this is step 2 and not step 1: "If I know I want to lose weight, how can I still be in denial?" Pretty dang easily, that's how. Again, most of us want to lose weight, but we don't want to confront the reasons why we put the weight on. We don't want to realize we've been making poor dietary decisions. We don't want to have to put the effort into changing and getting healthier. Vaguely knowing in the back of your mind that you need to lose weight requires much less internal confrontation than actually working to change your habits. Ouch. Realizing that you actually really do need to lose weight and making the decision to change hurts. You have to realize that you're not the best you that you should be.

I remained in step 1 for almost 12 months. I had superficial reasons for wanting to lose weight, but at the end of the day, I didn't really care whether I lost the weight or not. I just thought about it for a few minutes, and then let it flicker away. I'd think about losing the weight for my wedding and then say to myself "but I'd rather have this pizza. The pizza feels better right now." My weight wasn't having enough of a negative impact on my life for me to really try to change. I was blind to my weight problem. [I just deleted all the pictures from my wedding where I looked "too fat"- unfortunately, there were a lot of them. :-( ] Even after I got the pictures and was dissatisfied with how fat I was, I kept shoveling all that food into my mouth. I remember sitting at work eating yet another banana split and thinking "I can eat whatever I want." I honestly did not care. It disgusts me to look back at how I thought and how I ate. Wow.

There are lots of reasons why I gained the weight I did. (Peer pressure, stress caused by peers, never learning about proper nutrition, etc.) But really, who cares why I gained the weight? I cannot blame those situations and influences because ultimately, it's my hand moving to my mouth and my teeth doing the chewing.

Another easy way to stay in denial is to listen to others. Shut them up. They're not you. When I finally did start weight watchers, some of my overweight coworkers told me "Why are you doing Weight Watchers? You don't need to lose weight!" That wasn't true, and I knew it. I had done a really good job hiding my size/"problem areas" with the clothing that I wore. It was obvious that I was overweight. Especially when compared to other people. Hands down, I was the smallest person in the company. So compared to them, no I didn't have weight to lose, they'd all be lucky to be as small as I was at my biggest. Just because someone else's problem may be "bigger" than yours, doesn' t mean that your problem doesn't exist or need to be addressed.

One of the most important things to losing weight is honesty. If you're in denial, you're not being honest with yourself. To lose weight, you have to be honest.

Step 1. Decide you want to lose weight.

Nearly everyone in America has already achieved step 1. This shouldn't be a hard step. Most of us "want" to lose weight. But most of us think it's just going to happen without making any lifestyle changes. Uh, America, Get real. Thanks.

Here's my experience with Step 1:
Step 1. I was at step 1 for a very long time. In early (Jan) 2010 I told myself that I would finally go join Weight Watchers when I got a permanent position at the company I was contracted to work for. I told myself that "once I had that job, I'd have the money to afford WW." Shortly thereafter (Feb), I got that permanent position. Did I follow through on my "someday isle" promise to myself? Haha. Of course not.

Step 1. Later in 2010 (June), I got married. As we planned the wedding, I told myself, "I'm going to lose weight for the wedding." My strategy was to "think more about my eating and have more self-control." Did I succeed? Uh, no. (As a side note, I got married a week after my graduation. So lots of pictures were taken of me just a week apart. I look like I gained a LOT of weight between those 10 days. Wow.)

Step 1. December 2010, I cried and tantrumed every morning when I tried to get ready for work because NONE of my clothes fit. I was miserable. I started out everyday frustrated and pissed off. Not worth it. What the hell was my problem?! This is when I really decided and that I was actually going to lose the weight.

Hmm. Obviously, Step 1 isn't enough. Knowing you want to lose weight isn't enough. There's MUCH more to losing weight than a desire. "If wishes were fishes" as they say. I knew I needed to lose weight for an entire year before I actually began losing weight. In that year of wanting to lose weight, I actually gained a lot more weight. I thought I had motivation. Wasn't a wedding a good reason to lose weight? Yeah, it should have been, so why didn't it work?

A Week of Weight Loss

There's ton's of advice out there on how to lose weight. Blah blah blah. Here's my take on it. [No purchase necessary- just patience, as it's WAY too long for one post. It'll be good practice, since weight loss takes patience ;) ].

Step 1. Decide you want to lose weight.
Step 2. Stop being in denial.
Step 3. Realize why you want to lose weight. Also known as "get motivated".
Step 4. Commit to losing weight. Now.
Step 5. Figure out your weight loss plan.
Step 6. Make goals.
Step 7. Do it.
Step 8. Be proud.

Disclaimer: Do not follow the steps firmly. You do not have to complete Step 3. before moving on to Step 4. Many of the steps occur simultaneously. Some of the steps never end. Like Step 8. Can we live in Step 8 forever?

Why Marriage Matters: 1 Year Anniversary

Happy Anniversary, Baby!

Wow. One year.

:-)

It was hard. I (foolishly) didn't believe all the things that people told me would change after we got married. That somehow, things are different. They were right. See that, written proof. You were right. I was wrong. Damn. The first year was HARD. Definitely an adjustment. Learning how to balance the needs of two people and manage for long-term success. But it was very worth it. Honestly, if we hadn't been married, I don't know if we could have made it through the hardships of the last year together. The hassle of having to get a divorce forced us to stick around long enough for things to work out. Without having been married, one of us could have just walked away much easier. I am very glad that we're married and that we made it through the tough stuff, because it's so much better on the other side.

Marriage is important. I know it's "just a stupid piece of paper," a contract between two people, just like any other contract. It's a reason to get a tax break. Yadda yadda yadda. But it's not. It's so much more than that. Knowing you're committed to each other, saying you want to be together forever, etc. isn't enough. You have to declare that to everyone else (and make it a lot trickier for you to leave when the going gets tough).

Marriage means something to the society in which you live. It affects the way everyone else treats you. That's why "the gays" want the right so badly. The difference in connotation between the words "girlfriend" and "wife" (or "spouse" or "partner") are huge. It tells the world that you take your relationship seriously. You can have lots of girlfriends, hopefully they don't all become your wife. Marriage tells the world that you will protect it and fight for it and work for it. It's not something you're just going to throw away easily. You're telling everyone that you value your partner and your relationship. You can disrespect your friend's girlfriend, but don't you mess with his wife. I think people respect you more if you're the "husband" instead of the "boyfriend." If your boyfriend's dad gets hurt or dies, will your boss think it's as urgent that you leave work than if it's your father-in-law? Until you're married, they don't belong to you. They're a relation to someone else, and you're less connected to them. But that goes another way too. When you're dating someone, their baggage is less important. Once you get married, you realize that their baggage becomes your baggage, and you have to learn to deal with that for the rest of your life. Until you're actually going to be together for the long-term, what do you care about resolving their baggage? It's theirs. Not yours. It changes once you know that it will affect you forever.

Knowing you're married to someone gives you a sense of security, or doom, depending. On a bad day, you're like "really, I'm stuck to this?! Forever?!" That's a sucky feeling, but remember, the person you're with probably thinks the exact same thing about being with you sometimes too. :-) But on good days, you're just overwhelmingly happy that you get to be with this person for a long time. You look at the life that you've built together and feel joy. You eagerly await growing more and more together. It's nice to have a partner, someone you can count on to pick up your slack when you're struggling. Someone to help you. Being married is great, and if you get married to the right person, it's MUCH better than not being married.

This picture on the right wasn't staged, btw. It's candid from us dancing at our wedding.

I woke up this morning and thought "I'm a wife. Wow. Who'da thought that?" :-)

Beginnings

HOLY HILL! I'm actually doing it. I'm writing a blog! Welcome! I hope you will enjoy it. I will not stick to any specific "topics," but you are likely to find many things on diet and nutrition, wellness, cycling, and family, just to name a few.

To introduce myself, I will explain some of the facets of my blog's title:
Tomorrow will be my one year anniversary of being married to a Hill, and I never want to be caught being "over" him. Yes, relationships are complicated, but they are meaningful and "worth" the hard times.

I am married to a Hill who is much older than I (P.S. If you're looking for the fountain of youth, marry someone older than you. You'll always be young when compared to him/her and their "crowd." :] ) and for the record, I am nowhere near to being "Over the Hill" (let's just say that I'm in my early 20's). But, I DO want to be caught "over the hill" in the traditional sense of the word. I can't imagine being old, but I love life, and I want to live and enjoy it for a long, long time. and barring any unforseen circumstances, I could live to be 93 years old. (On that note, go take this interactive life expectancy test)